How a little heart broke

Lane named Jordan. And we decided he would share my mother's and my middle name. Lane was with me, reading and singing to the sweet baby growing in my belly. Lane felt your first kicks, and kissed J goodnight almost every night. I regret not letting him come to the hospital to meet his brother. I was afraid that in his little 4 year old mind, he wouldn't understand that just because he could hold the baby, didnt mean that we could bring him home. I was scared that he would be scared of the thought of death. When Lane came home a few days after loosing Jordan, I knew I was going to have to tell him. I was 34 weeks pregnant, and by no means little. I knew he would be able to tell. So when my mom brought Lane home, we told him that Jordan was born while he was at Nena's house. His eyes lit up. We told him that Jordan's heart wasn't beating. He had played with my stethascope and heard his own heart beat so we compared it to that. I of course was crying my eyes out. And in the only way he knew how to comfort me, he hugged me. I cried harder. In the days, months, and years since. I have heard him go from I miss our baby, I wish I could have held our baby, and why did our baby die to I have a special brother! I am just glad he realizes he DOES have a brother! And he is special! Not everyone has a baby brother that watches over him. Lane sometimes giggles in his sleep. I like to think that Jordan is tickling him!!!

I see you in everything

-Things that help me cope- I see so much he would be doing in what his brother does. It makes me smile to think he would be chasing Lane begging to play. I see beauty in things that I never noticed before. I know God sends us these things to brighten our day. And, I love to think that you are sitting on his lap saying send my mommy a beautiful butterfly to make her think of me! I see future, future with you and so many other people I miss dearly. I see hope, hope in some of my BLMs (baby-loss mommas) They are having rainbow babies, and I know that all of you are watching as a new baby enters this world. I see hope in Lane. He is going to make such a great daddy someday. Loosing Jordan taught him a lot of compassion at a very young age. Most of all I see love. Places I never thought to look for it. I see it in everything that makes me think of Jordan! So many of these things I overlooked so quickly before I lost J. I thought tomorrow was a given. A rainstorm, flowers, butterflies, and tiny smiles were always going to be there.

Happy Birthday

Jordan, Happy birthday lil man. This year has been easier on me. I still cry, and miss you. I still think of you every day. But, I can smile every day. I know you are safe, and we are waiting on the day that we can hold you again. Our lives are ever changing, and you are the reason for some of the changes! Sending our love sweet Jordan!

Life the Learning Game

I think life it one big learning game. I think when we are done learning everything we can learn we die. Loosing a baby is not something I ever wanted to learn about. I am sure its not something anyone would want to learn about. Almost three years ago. WOW. I have learned so much in three short years. 1. Time flies 2. Tomorrow is not a given 3. A child's laugh can fix anything 4. You can live with a broken heart. 5. There is a longing in my heart that will be there til the day I die. A piece of it is missing, not just missing, missing means you may find it. I know where mine is and I cant have it back. Its gone. 6. I have learned to hug Lane (my 7 year old) and tell him every second I can how much I love him. 7. There is a pain in his heart too. When he asks about Jordan or when we talk about Jordan I can see it, even though he was only 4. ( I will blog about that later!) 8. Sometimes LIFE SUCKS. 9. Sometimes I feel guilty when life doesn't suck. 10. There were days I thought I would never smile again. Yup, I was wrong about that! Although #9 applies a little here. 11. I have learned I still cry, often, and it is ok! 12. I have learned there are a lot of babies that never get to cry. And their momma's are amazing support! 13. I have learned that I can look at a pregnant woman again and not be filled with jealousy. 14. Walmart is not the place to go after you loose a baby, (I wanted to flip out on a woman who grabbed her child by the arm the day we came home from the hospital. I wanted to scream, if you don't want that child I will gladly time her home with me when no one will do that {thankfully I thought before I acted}) There is so much more I could write about learning. I have learned while I have typed. I will learn these lessons, new lessons every day. I am just learning more gracefully now!