Tuesday, March 26, 2013
In the days after loosing Jordan, I wasn't living, I was surviving. I didn't get out of bed, I didn't wash my hair, I didn't cook. I didn't do very much at all. I started taking the medicine the doctor prescribed about a week after loosing my baby. He gave me a script for xanax (sp?) and ambien. The xanax only gave me a head ache. I didn't notice any change. I am not really sure what I was expecting. A miracle. My pain to be healed. No such luck. Now I am laying in my bed, crying with a killer headache. PERFECT. When I started not sleeping well, I gave it another try this time taking the Ambien. Worked perfect! Went to sleep and woke up in the morning, sleeping through out the night with NO dreams! This was really nice as newborn babies haunted my dreams. They were everywhere. About 3 months into taking the ambien to sleep every night, I went camping. Not even thinking when packing my bag that I should take the magic sleeping pill. Lets just say that was the longest weekend ever. I was a hot, misquito bite ridden, and sun burnt mess that couldn't sleep. I kept thinking wow, just go to sleep. And I couldn't. But, there was no red flag in my brain. Fast forward a month or two. I remember one night, right before bed, not being able to find the ambien. I tore my kitchen apart looking for them. They were no where to be found. I sat on the floor and cried. Not because I lost a child months before, but because I couldn't find the pills. After about 2 hours of searching and sobbing I came to the realization that 1- I was not going to find them. and 2- I was addicted to them. I layed in bed wide awake for the night and the next couple as well thinking of how bad I wanted to sleep, but my body was so used to a pill that would do it for me. When I found them a few days later I flushed them. I hate how easy it is for a doctor to prescribe these things, when in reality it didn't help. It hid everything I was feeling under the "pill" blanket. I found the best medicine was talking! And a 4 year old little boys smiles! Talking to other baby loss moms (they really knew what i was feeling), friends, any one who would listen. I am sure I even talked to my dog! She was very understanding. I learned a lot about me, and them when we would talk. I read their blogs, journals, stories, and I walked their walk with them, while they walked my walk with me. And IT HELPED! I wanted to waltz my behind into the doctors office and smack those prescriptions on his desk and say no thank you, I am not crazy, I just lost a baby. There is a HUGE difference. But, it was too easy for me to just take them. I am really glad I woke up from that and addressed the real issues. I had a baby die, he died inside of me. He was a perfect little 5 lb baby that died for no reason. But I am not alone. I don't have to do this alone. We all support each other and it works! Its the best medicine!
Saturday, March 23, 2013
I am starting a new chapter in my life. This time (in April) if you would have asked me where I would be, I would have told you probably locked in my house, not accepting visitors, barely living, just surviving. I would have never told you that I would be helping other families who are just starting this walk, this walk that none of us want to walk. This walk that he is walking with us on. In an ugly pair of shoes, lost in grief, and in awe of the beauty he has made from the ashes. Yesterday I got the call. The call I told Kelly at that I would be there for. Lets start with the beginning of the day. After a trip to Toledo, for my sweet little nephew, and a peaceful ride home, I went to work. Thankfully it was a short shift. 3-5. A few hours after that were devoted to making his birthday cake! He is a OHIO STATE FAN, and needed a cake that was as close as my unskilled cake decorating hands could make. I got it done and it was a success! I decided a bubble bath and bed was the perfect ending to a hectic day! At somewhere around 11pm, my phone rings. I don't recognize the number, and decide to wait for a voice mail. I listen, as a sweet voice, fills my ears. "Kristi, this isn't how I planned this, but I need you." I hit end and call back because I can hear that she is depserate. And in my heart I know this desperation all too well. "Kelly I am on my way!" Camera in tow, I head to the SGM office to meet Kelly. We rush (mostly she rushed) around the SGM office looking for anything we could find to make the time that this family had with their baby the best it could possibly be. Off we go, to I don't know where, but we are going! Kelly and I are very much the same, although last night, I just sat and listened. I am a nervous talker, and so is Kelly! And she has a little more experience than I do! I felt so calmed by everything she said, which helped because past my "game face" I was a hot mess. Kelly told me about the call she had recieved the night before. And, the experience with the family. I kept looking at her GPS and the estimated time of arrival. 4 minutes. I am taken back to playing sports and that feeling right before a game, when your stomach is flip flopping. I am thankful that I hadn't eaten because I am sure Kelly would be grossed out about my pregame ritual! We arrived at the hospital and head to the fourth floor. (Why is the maternity floor always on the fourth one?) We talk a little to the nurses, who thought we were from NILMDTS, but are very open hearted. GAME FACE when Kelly tells the nurses that we have both experienced loss. Game face when a few close friends come out wiping tears from their faces, and we talk to them. Game face when we meet the mother, father, baby, and family. I am ok! I can do this! I can pass the gift, that was given to me 2 years ago, to them. I grab my camera and begin the transformation from regular old me, to photographer me. Looking through the camera I don't see the greif or sadness. It is my safe zone. I frame the picture, focus, and snap. I am doing it. I snap picture while they say hello! I snap pictures of a sleepy big sister meets her little brother for the first time. I snap pictures of a mother looking at her beautiful prefect baby boy. The room was so filled with love and joy that I almost forgot why I was there. I didn't know what to expect when Kelly called. I really was hoping that she wouldn't have to call. That would mean that no babies were born into Jesus' arms. But, that wasn't the case. I am so glad I could help, I am so glad that he gave me the strength, and I am so glad that Kelly was there. The ride home was full of exhausted laughter, and a more light hearted conversation about being a mother to boys. Seems in a few years I will have my hands full! I will continue to pray for the family I got to meet last night, and for the strength to do this again when I am needed!