Tuesday, April 23, 2013

How a little heart broke

Lane named Jordan. And we decided he would share my mother's and my middle name. Lane was with me, reading and singing to the sweet baby growing in my belly. Lane felt your first kicks, and kissed J goodnight almost every night. I regret not letting him come to the hospital to meet his brother. I was afraid that in his little 4 year old mind, he wouldn't understand that just because he could hold the baby, didnt mean that we could bring him home. I was scared that he would be scared of the thought of death. When Lane came home a few days after loosing Jordan, I knew I was going to have to tell him. I was 34 weeks pregnant, and by no means little. I knew he would be able to tell. So when my mom brought Lane home, we told him that Jordan was born while he was at Nena's house. His eyes lit up. We told him that Jordan's heart wasn't beating. He had played with my stethascope and heard his own heart beat so we compared it to that. I of course was crying my eyes out. And in the only way he knew how to comfort me, he hugged me. I cried harder. In the days, months, and years since. I have heard him go from I miss our baby, I wish I could have held our baby, and why did our baby die to I have a special brother! I am just glad he realizes he DOES have a brother! And he is special! Not everyone has a baby brother that watches over him. Lane sometimes giggles in his sleep. I like to think that Jordan is tickling him!!!

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