Tuesday, March 26, 2013

The Best Medicine

In the days after loosing Jordan, I wasn't living, I was surviving. I didn't get out of bed, I didn't wash my hair, I didn't cook. I didn't do very much at all. I started taking the medicine the doctor prescribed about a week after loosing my baby. He gave me a script for xanax (sp?) and ambien. The xanax only gave me a head ache. I didn't notice any change. I am not really sure what I was expecting. A miracle. My pain to be healed. No such luck. Now I am laying in my bed, crying with a killer headache. PERFECT. When I started not sleeping well, I gave it another try this time taking the Ambien. Worked perfect! Went to sleep and woke up in the morning, sleeping through out the night with NO dreams! This was really nice as newborn babies haunted my dreams. They were everywhere. About 3 months into taking the ambien to sleep every night, I went camping. Not even thinking when packing my bag that I should take the magic sleeping pill. Lets just say that was the longest weekend ever. I was a hot, misquito bite ridden, and sun burnt mess that couldn't sleep. I kept thinking wow, just go to sleep. And I couldn't. But, there was no red flag in my brain. Fast forward a month or two. I remember one night, right before bed, not being able to find the ambien. I tore my kitchen apart looking for them. They were no where to be found. I sat on the floor and cried. Not because I lost a child months before, but because I couldn't find the pills. After about 2 hours of searching and sobbing I came to the realization that 1- I was not going to find them. and 2- I was addicted to them. I layed in bed wide awake for the night and the next couple as well thinking of how bad I wanted to sleep, but my body was so used to a pill that would do it for me. When I found them a few days later I flushed them. I hate how easy it is for a doctor to prescribe these things, when in reality it didn't help. It hid everything I was feeling under the "pill" blanket. I found the best medicine was talking! And a 4 year old little boys smiles! Talking to other baby loss moms (they really knew what i was feeling), friends, any one who would listen. I am sure I even talked to my dog! She was very understanding. I learned a lot about me, and them when we would talk. I read their blogs, journals, stories, and I walked their walk with them, while they walked my walk with me. And IT HELPED! I wanted to waltz my behind into the doctors office and smack those prescriptions on his desk and say no thank you, I am not crazy, I just lost a baby. There is a HUGE difference. But, it was too easy for me to just take them. I am really glad I woke up from that and addressed the real issues. I had a baby die, he died inside of me. He was a perfect little 5 lb baby that died for no reason. But I am not alone. I don't have to do this alone. We all support each other and it works! Its the best medicine!

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