The day that changed my life

This is from the journal that Holly sent after Jordan went to heaven. Friday April 16, 2010 I got up around 8:30 got dressed and ran to McDonalds for a quick breakfast for Scott and me. He was working on the living room, and I had an OB appt. at 11:15. Lane was spending the weekend at Nena's! I needed to ear before 9:30 because I needed to redo my 1 hour glucose test. I got ready for my appt. and all the other things I had planned for the day. I was going to go to Kohl’s and Menards and maybe even the mall. I was in such a great mood. The sun was shining, and it was warm. When I got to the doctor's office I lost 4 pounds. I wasn’t worried since we hadn't been eating out as much. Dr. P came in and we chatted for a few minutes. Then, she got out the doppler. When she tried to find Jordan's heartbeat we figured he was just "hiding." I even made the joke, "so it begins, chasing my little man." She left and went to turn on the US machine. (At this point I wasn't even worried yet.... how naive)When we got to the other room I was beginning to be scared, but I had NO IDEA. I lay down, and she put the gel on my tummy, then the sensor. I don’t know how long she looked, I know I looked and saw Jordan's ribcage and spine, but that space in the middle that normally moved 150+ times a minute was not moving. Not at all. She said something I think it was along the lines of "I'm so sorry I don’t see anything" SHOCK PANIC FEAR TEARS RUN so many things ran through my head. I know I instantly started crying. I grabbed my phone and called Scott. He was still outside. I called the home phone... nothing. Dr. Perkins wanted me to go to the hospital. All I wanted to do was go home and start my whole day over. I called my mom. I know she barely understood me through my sobs. Dr. P wouldn’t let me drive myself. It felt like we were only in her car for a minute and we were there. Then in another blink we were on the 3rd floor. STOP WAIT Why are we here? Too many people. This is wrong. I am only 34 weeks, it’s not time. I was whisked out of my clothes and into a gown and onto the bed. And they did another US. I still had a glimmer of hope. But, there was nothing. Just a little body that was always so active. No movement, no heartbeat. I am pretty sure the doctor stayed in the room until Scott got there. At some point I must have gotten ahold of him. I don’t remember a lot. My mom got there. She had my aunt Georgia come stay with Lane until Keith got home. The doctor came in and said they needed another part of the US. Mom rubbed my belly. She still had so much hope. The US tech felt so bad about having to do it again. She showed up that there was no blood flow to Jordan, then zoomed in on his heart, then showed the strip the SHOULD show the BEAT BEAT BEAT all the way across the screen, but actually showed NOTHING. Scott was holding my hand. Mom cried with us. At 2pm Dr. P came back in to start to induce labor. She started with 4 cytotek pills. Within an hour I started to have contractions. And they said I could have an epidural whenever I wanted. So now was a good time. Everyone was so pleasant. The next few hours are a period of blankness. I am sure something went on from 3-6pm but I don’t remember. At 6 Scott ran home to let Sadie out and change his clothes. I knew he felt the need to since we contacted the NILMDTS photographer and I wanted him to feel as comfortable as possible since we only had so much time without sweet Jordan. 6:30 more cytotek, and an epidural booster. When Scott got back, Mom went to get Jordan a special outfit. She picked a blue preemie sleeper and 2 blankies. One was blue and brown stripes and the other had puppy paw prints. Perfect!!!!! Dr. S got there around 10:15... More cytotek and broke my water. 3-4 cm. Mom and Scott played musical chairs for a while until mom fell asleep in the recliner. Gotta stop here for now.... Lots of memories are flooding back to my head. ~Kristi~