How a little heart broke

Lane named Jordan. And we decided he would share my mother's and my middle name. Lane was with me, reading and singing to the sweet baby growing in my belly. Lane felt your first kicks, and kissed J goodnight almost every night. I regret not letting him come to the hospital to meet his brother. I was afraid that in his little 4 year old mind, he wouldn't understand that just because he could hold the baby, didnt mean that we could bring him home. I was scared that he would be scared of the thought of death. When Lane came home a few days after loosing Jordan, I knew I was going to have to tell him. I was 34 weeks pregnant, and by no means little. I knew he would be able to tell. So when my mom brought Lane home, we told him that Jordan was born while he was at Nena's house. His eyes lit up. We told him that Jordan's heart wasn't beating. He had played with my stethascope and heard his own heart beat so we compared it to that. I of course was crying my eyes out. And in the only way he knew how to comfort me, he hugged me. I cried harder. In the days, months, and years since. I have heard him go from I miss our baby, I wish I could have held our baby, and why did our baby die to I have a special brother! I am just glad he realizes he DOES have a brother! And he is special! Not everyone has a baby brother that watches over him. Lane sometimes giggles in his sleep. I like to think that Jordan is tickling him!!!

I see you in everything

-Things that help me cope- I see so much he would be doing in what his brother does. It makes me smile to think he would be chasing Lane begging to play. I see beauty in things that I never noticed before. I know God sends us these things to brighten our day. And, I love to think that you are sitting on his lap saying send my mommy a beautiful butterfly to make her think of me! I see future, future with you and so many other people I miss dearly. I see hope, hope in some of my BLMs (baby-loss mommas) They are having rainbow babies, and I know that all of you are watching as a new baby enters this world. I see hope in Lane. He is going to make such a great daddy someday. Loosing Jordan taught him a lot of compassion at a very young age. Most of all I see love. Places I never thought to look for it. I see it in everything that makes me think of Jordan! So many of these things I overlooked so quickly before I lost J. I thought tomorrow was a given. A rainstorm, flowers, butterflies, and tiny smiles were always going to be there.

Happy Birthday

Jordan, Happy birthday lil man. This year has been easier on me. I still cry, and miss you. I still think of you every day. But, I can smile every day. I know you are safe, and we are waiting on the day that we can hold you again. Our lives are ever changing, and you are the reason for some of the changes! Sending our love sweet Jordan!

Life the Learning Game

I think life it one big learning game. I think when we are done learning everything we can learn we die. Loosing a baby is not something I ever wanted to learn about. I am sure its not something anyone would want to learn about. Almost three years ago. WOW. I have learned so much in three short years. 1. Time flies 2. Tomorrow is not a given 3. A child's laugh can fix anything 4. You can live with a broken heart. 5. There is a longing in my heart that will be there til the day I die. A piece of it is missing, not just missing, missing means you may find it. I know where mine is and I cant have it back. Its gone. 6. I have learned to hug Lane (my 7 year old) and tell him every second I can how much I love him. 7. There is a pain in his heart too. When he asks about Jordan or when we talk about Jordan I can see it, even though he was only 4. ( I will blog about that later!) 8. Sometimes LIFE SUCKS. 9. Sometimes I feel guilty when life doesn't suck. 10. There were days I thought I would never smile again. Yup, I was wrong about that! Although #9 applies a little here. 11. I have learned I still cry, often, and it is ok! 12. I have learned there are a lot of babies that never get to cry. And their momma's are amazing support! 13. I have learned that I can look at a pregnant woman again and not be filled with jealousy. 14. Walmart is not the place to go after you loose a baby, (I wanted to flip out on a woman who grabbed her child by the arm the day we came home from the hospital. I wanted to scream, if you don't want that child I will gladly time her home with me when no one will do that {thankfully I thought before I acted}) There is so much more I could write about learning. I have learned while I have typed. I will learn these lessons, new lessons every day. I am just learning more gracefully now!

The Best Medicine

In the days after loosing Jordan, I wasn't living, I was surviving. I didn't get out of bed, I didn't wash my hair, I didn't cook. I didn't do very much at all. I started taking the medicine the doctor prescribed about a week after loosing my baby. He gave me a script for xanax (sp?) and ambien. The xanax only gave me a head ache. I didn't notice any change. I am not really sure what I was expecting. A miracle. My pain to be healed. No such luck. Now I am laying in my bed, crying with a killer headache. PERFECT. When I started not sleeping well, I gave it another try this time taking the Ambien. Worked perfect! Went to sleep and woke up in the morning, sleeping through out the night with NO dreams! This was really nice as newborn babies haunted my dreams. They were everywhere. About 3 months into taking the ambien to sleep every night, I went camping. Not even thinking when packing my bag that I should take the magic sleeping pill. Lets just say that was the longest weekend ever. I was a hot, misquito bite ridden, and sun burnt mess that couldn't sleep. I kept thinking wow, just go to sleep. And I couldn't. But, there was no red flag in my brain. Fast forward a month or two. I remember one night, right before bed, not being able to find the ambien. I tore my kitchen apart looking for them. They were no where to be found. I sat on the floor and cried. Not because I lost a child months before, but because I couldn't find the pills. After about 2 hours of searching and sobbing I came to the realization that 1- I was not going to find them. and 2- I was addicted to them. I layed in bed wide awake for the night and the next couple as well thinking of how bad I wanted to sleep, but my body was so used to a pill that would do it for me. When I found them a few days later I flushed them. I hate how easy it is for a doctor to prescribe these things, when in reality it didn't help. It hid everything I was feeling under the "pill" blanket. I found the best medicine was talking! And a 4 year old little boys smiles! Talking to other baby loss moms (they really knew what i was feeling), friends, any one who would listen. I am sure I even talked to my dog! She was very understanding. I learned a lot about me, and them when we would talk. I read their blogs, journals, stories, and I walked their walk with them, while they walked my walk with me. And IT HELPED! I wanted to waltz my behind into the doctors office and smack those prescriptions on his desk and say no thank you, I am not crazy, I just lost a baby. There is a HUGE difference. But, it was too easy for me to just take them. I am really glad I woke up from that and addressed the real issues. I had a baby die, he died inside of me. He was a perfect little 5 lb baby that died for no reason. But I am not alone. I don't have to do this alone. We all support each other and it works! Its the best medicine!

Celebration

I am starting a new chapter in my life. This time (in April) if you would have asked me where I would be, I would have told you probably locked in my house, not accepting visitors, barely living, just surviving. I would have never told you that I would be helping other families who are just starting this walk, this walk that none of us want to walk. This walk that he is walking with us on. In an ugly pair of shoes, lost in grief, and in awe of the beauty he has made from the ashes. Yesterday I got the call. The call I told Kelly at that I would be there for. Lets start with the beginning of the day. After a trip to Toledo, for my sweet little nephew, and a peaceful ride home, I went to work. Thankfully it was a short shift. 3-5. A few hours after that were devoted to making his birthday cake! He is a OHIO STATE FAN, and needed a cake that was as close as my unskilled cake decorating hands could make. I got it done and it was a success! I decided a bubble bath and bed was the perfect ending to a hectic day! At somewhere around 11pm, my phone rings. I don't recognize the number, and decide to wait for a voice mail. I listen, as a sweet voice, fills my ears. "Kristi, this isn't how I planned this, but I need you." I hit end and call back because I can hear that she is depserate. And in my heart I know this desperation all too well. "Kelly I am on my way!" Camera in tow, I head to the SGM office to meet Kelly. We rush (mostly she rushed) around the SGM office looking for anything we could find to make the time that this family had with their baby the best it could possibly be. Off we go, to I don't know where, but we are going! Kelly and I are very much the same, although last night, I just sat and listened. I am a nervous talker, and so is Kelly! And she has a little more experience than I do! I felt so calmed by everything she said, which helped because past my "game face" I was a hot mess. Kelly told me about the call she had recieved the night before. And, the experience with the family. I kept looking at her GPS and the estimated time of arrival. 4 minutes. I am taken back to playing sports and that feeling right before a game, when your stomach is flip flopping. I am thankful that I hadn't eaten because I am sure Kelly would be grossed out about my pregame ritual! We arrived at the hospital and head to the fourth floor. (Why is the maternity floor always on the fourth one?) We talk a little to the nurses, who thought we were from NILMDTS, but are very open hearted. GAME FACE when Kelly tells the nurses that we have both experienced loss. Game face when a few close friends come out wiping tears from their faces, and we talk to them. Game face when we meet the mother, father, baby, and family. I am ok! I can do this! I can pass the gift, that was given to me 2 years ago, to them. I grab my camera and begin the transformation from regular old me, to photographer me. Looking through the camera I don't see the greif or sadness. It is my safe zone. I frame the picture, focus, and snap. I am doing it. I snap picture while they say hello! I snap pictures of a sleepy big sister meets her little brother for the first time. I snap pictures of a mother looking at her beautiful prefect baby boy. The room was so filled with love and joy that I almost forgot why I was there. I didn't know what to expect when Kelly called. I really was hoping that she wouldn't have to call. That would mean that no babies were born into Jesus' arms. But, that wasn't the case. I am so glad I could help, I am so glad that he gave me the strength, and I am so glad that Kelly was there. The ride home was full of exhausted laughter, and a more light hearted conversation about being a mother to boys. Seems in a few years I will have my hands full! I will continue to pray for the family I got to meet last night, and for the strength to do this again when I am needed!

The day that changed my life

This is from the journal that Holly sent after Jordan went to heaven. Friday April 16, 2010 I got up around 8:30 got dressed and ran to McDonalds for a quick breakfast for Scott and me. He was working on the living room, and I had an OB appt. at 11:15. Lane was spending the weekend at Nena's! I needed to ear before 9:30 because I needed to redo my 1 hour glucose test. I got ready for my appt. and all the other things I had planned for the day. I was going to go to Kohl’s and Menards and maybe even the mall. I was in such a great mood. The sun was shining, and it was warm. When I got to the doctor's office I lost 4 pounds. I wasn’t worried since we hadn't been eating out as much. Dr. P came in and we chatted for a few minutes. Then, she got out the doppler. When she tried to find Jordan's heartbeat we figured he was just "hiding." I even made the joke, "so it begins, chasing my little man." She left and went to turn on the US machine. (At this point I wasn't even worried yet.... how naive)When we got to the other room I was beginning to be scared, but I had NO IDEA. I lay down, and she put the gel on my tummy, then the sensor. I don’t know how long she looked, I know I looked and saw Jordan's ribcage and spine, but that space in the middle that normally moved 150+ times a minute was not moving. Not at all. She said something I think it was along the lines of "I'm so sorry I don’t see anything" SHOCK PANIC FEAR TEARS RUN so many things ran through my head. I know I instantly started crying. I grabbed my phone and called Scott. He was still outside. I called the home phone... nothing. Dr. Perkins wanted me to go to the hospital. All I wanted to do was go home and start my whole day over. I called my mom. I know she barely understood me through my sobs. Dr. P wouldn’t let me drive myself. It felt like we were only in her car for a minute and we were there. Then in another blink we were on the 3rd floor. STOP WAIT Why are we here? Too many people. This is wrong. I am only 34 weeks, it’s not time. I was whisked out of my clothes and into a gown and onto the bed. And they did another US. I still had a glimmer of hope. But, there was nothing. Just a little body that was always so active. No movement, no heartbeat. I am pretty sure the doctor stayed in the room until Scott got there. At some point I must have gotten ahold of him. I don’t remember a lot. My mom got there. She had my aunt Georgia come stay with Lane until Keith got home. The doctor came in and said they needed another part of the US. Mom rubbed my belly. She still had so much hope. The US tech felt so bad about having to do it again. She showed up that there was no blood flow to Jordan, then zoomed in on his heart, then showed the strip the SHOULD show the BEAT BEAT BEAT all the way across the screen, but actually showed NOTHING. Scott was holding my hand. Mom cried with us. At 2pm Dr. P came back in to start to induce labor. She started with 4 cytotek pills. Within an hour I started to have contractions. And they said I could have an epidural whenever I wanted. So now was a good time. Everyone was so pleasant. The next few hours are a period of blankness. I am sure something went on from 3-6pm but I don’t remember. At 6 Scott ran home to let Sadie out and change his clothes. I knew he felt the need to since we contacted the NILMDTS photographer and I wanted him to feel as comfortable as possible since we only had so much time without sweet Jordan. 6:30 more cytotek, and an epidural booster. When Scott got back, Mom went to get Jordan a special outfit. She picked a blue preemie sleeper and 2 blankies. One was blue and brown stripes and the other had puppy paw prints. Perfect!!!!! Dr. S got there around 10:15... More cytotek and broke my water. 3-4 cm. Mom and Scott played musical chairs for a while until mom fell asleep in the recliner. Gotta stop here for now.... Lots of memories are flooding back to my head. ~Kristi~